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September 19th, 2007

back to school

i must say, going back to school is like being on vacation!  it is so refreshing to  be doing something different, and I LIKE LEARNING!  i'm sure that it will get old, but right now i feel like i never want to work again!  although i am working part time, but on my days off its like holidays.  i'm at the school for a couple of hours, and the rest of the time i'm a free woman!

note to self....remind self of this entry during essays, midterms and finals....

September 12th, 2007

things change as time passess...thank God for that.

I'm so happy.  Sometimes things just fall into place.  I'm so thankful.

It sure is good to be away from the poison.

sometimes it is so hard to accept that i'm right where i'm meant to be.  sometimes you get everything you want and then realize you don't want it anymore.  sometimes all your dreams are stolen.  sometimes you find yourself standing...just standing.  not knowing what direction you're headed in or which way to go.  sometimes you work so hard to get somewhere and realize there is no end.  and that where you are is not really where you wanted to go.  sometimes there are great suprises and new adventures right around the corner.  sometimes you have to start at the beginning.

some questions you have to ask and answer over and over and over.

life is beautiful.

September 14th, 2004

(no subject)

so...i have a bit of a rant on my mind, which i'm not sure if i'm ready to post about. i sorta want to, but for reasons that i won't get into i'm just not sure about it. what i will say is that i feel frustrated and i'm not sure what to do at this time....

in other news, i'm really diggin "velvet revolver". i kinda thought they were a joke at first, but i heard their song on much music lastnight and tonight, and i must say that i really liked it. perhaps i should listen to some of their other stuff and see what i think. i also really like that song that "train" sings from the spider man 2 soundtrack. i really love music. some of it really touches my soul and i just feel so alive when that happens. it has the power to invoke such emotion in me. anyway, that's about it for now. take care everyone. chow!

September 13th, 2004

(no subject)

if you'd like to know what i think of you, leave your name or a comment and i'll reply. i'll give you my honest opinion. then post it in your journal so i can see the reverse!
i dont' really know what to write. i'm just bored. it's my first night shift back, not even 3am, and i'm tired already. i slept fairly well today, i just think that it's difficult because of the combination of sitting around doing nothing, and the fact that your body just wants to sleep at night, no matter how much sleep you got during the day. the stupid thing is, that i'm sure if i were at home or out with friends or something, i wouldn't feel this tired. oh well. i'm trying to look on the bright side of this. at least it's quiet, and i can do whatever i want. we're getting a big fat raise soon as well, that ought to make it a bit more appealing.

i feel sad that summer is over. i didn't get to spend any time at the lake really this year, which is super disappointing. no camping either. we didn't really have very nice weather this summer, which really sucked. i'm just not ready for the cold weather, the snow, the ice, the waiting for your car to start (or not start as the case may be!). don't get me wrong, i really enjoy fall, i love the leaves and halloween, i love my birthday and i love coming home to my warm bed when the air is crisp and chilly. i love how quiet it is when the snow falls in large flakes, and i love the sound of snow crunching under my feet. i love how the sun makes it sparkle, and how the frost looks when it's thick on the trees. i love all those things, but winter just lasts far too long around here, and it gets old really fast! however, it's just another one of those things about life that we must accept, because as much as we dread it, it's going to come. there's no stopping it! the best thing to do is just bundle up and keep busy. at least this year i have a nice fire place to curl up in front of!

i need to think of some things to do to fill my time here at work on nights. some kind of project to keep me busy. i seem to get bored of whatever it is that i'm doing really fast, and need something else to move on to. i wish i knew how to crochet...i'd make some dish cloths. someone tried to teach me once, but i didn't seem to catch on very well. perhaps i should give it another go. i have a cross stitch i work on as well, but it gets boring too, i can only do so much in one night, and then i'm just done. beyond that, there isn't much that i do. i'm not really sure of what else i can get into that i can bring to work and do here. any ideas anyone? (not that very many people, if more than one, read this journal anyway!!!). i'm sure that i'll be writing in here alot more during my time at work, but i never seem to know what to write about! maybe i should brain storm a list of topics to write about. any ideas anyone?

well, i guess that's it for now. hope you're all peaceful in dream land.

August 30th, 2004


so....i took a look at my existing entries, and realized that most of them were rants and raves. i decided to post about some things i am grateful for, so now my little star can be smiley instead of frowney!!!! here's my list...

popcorn seasoning
my health
my family
my job
animals...cute and fuzzy
my house!!!!
having love in my life
girl days!

there's just a few to start. i know that i bitch and complain far too much, and that negativity isn't beneficial to me. therefore, i hope to continue this list throughout my journal to remind me of the good things in my life!!!

death by exercise

for those of you who know me this will come as no suprise. i am lazy. i hate admitting it and i don't want to believe it, but i fear that it is true. i have no energy and no motivation to do much of anything. i have especially struggled with it over the last couple of years, as working nights takes a toll on your body. also, my bout of depression didn't help with the motivation thing either. anyway, i'm not quite sure how to drag myself out of this slump. the problem here is my weight gain, which is a direct result of my laziness. i've never really struggled with my weight before, i've always been mostly satisfied with my body in terms of weight. however, since entering my twenties, i've noticed that slowly i have been putting on weight. it wasn't too noticeable at first, as it was quite evenly dispersed. at this point in time though, it has become a rapid thing. i bought two pairs of capri pants in vancouver this spring, which i searched high and low for, and by the time it was warm enough to wear them they didn't fit! i was so disappointed. since THEN, i have gained even more weight, and now almost none of my pants fit! this poses as a problem when i have a dress code at work, and the only pants that fit comfortably anymore are sweats!!!

i know that i need to start working out. i have made a few pitiful attempts at it over the last few months, but it's just so HAAAARD!!!! to me it's like this insurmountable thing!!! it just takes so much energy that i don't have, and it's like the hardest part of my day. i know that after awhile, it will become routine, and they say that i will gain energy from it, but at one point in my life i worked out every day for at least a month and by the end it was STILL as hard as it ever was!!! my point? i don't know what to do. i can't stick with a routine. i can't get motivated to do something that hurts and that is draining, and i never stay with it long enough to see any results to motivate me. the biggest problem right now is that for real, i have NO pants, and i have absolutely NO money to buy more since my investment. can you say dilemma? to top it off, my brother told me i look pregnant. i forgot to mention that the weight isn't evenly dispersed anymore!!! don't get me wrong, i don't think i'm a whale or anything. sure i wish that i could look like i used to, but i'm mostly okay with how i look right now. the part that bothers me is the clothing dilemma! what to do what to do!!!! i fear i'm going to have to suck it up and start exercising. i hope it doesn't kill me!!!!!

August 21st, 2004


sometimes i question myself about why i'm doing the job that i do. i'm not sure why i continually choose the difficult way in my life, and i think that my job falls into the difficult category. some days work is really great. it is rewarding and down right fun. but sometimes, it is the last place i want to be. now, i'm sure that no matter what career i had chosen days would come along when i didn't want to be there. that's a given. but this is a bit different. beyond the politics that exist in practically any workplace, which can definately be frustrating, stressful, and a whole list of other feelings as well!, i am literally surrounded by negativity! it's hard being in that atmosphere all the time. you come to work, only to be verbally abused for 12 hours, go home and sleep, and come back and do it all over again! i guess it's just kind of eating away at me. to make matters worse, my b/f has been super bitchy over the last few days, and so now i come home to more negativity too! anyway, like i said, sometimes i question myself. often i find myself wondering what it would be like in another career. of course there will always be situations that will piss me off, and politics that will frustrate the hell out of me, but right now it's like i have deliberately placed myself in a difficult environment. like, what kind of job could i do where i would be working with positive people? what kind of job would be challenging enough, but also rewarding and not emotionally draining?

the one thing i must say though, is i thank God for the staff i work with. right now, there are people on my shifts that are very supportive and understanding, and we help eachother through. with some staff, it wouldn't be that way, so i am very thankful for that part of things. things aren't so bad, it's just very draining to hear bitching and whining and complaining and swearing about everything all day long. damn i need a drink!!!!

August 13th, 2004

another rant

i'm so pissy!!! i know when some people are at work they enjoy their down time and like to slack. me, on the other hand, i like to be kept busy so that the day goes by faster. so at my job i work with high risk youth, and they need to be supervised constantly. today has been a particularly laid back day, and it's taking FOREVER to be over. all i want is to go home. so, i was pretty hyped when we rented a movie to watch tonight that i have been wanting to see. HOWEVER, i don't get to watch it!!!! instead, i have to sit down in the rec area with a friggin kid and watch him play pool because "HE DOESN"T WANT TO WATCH THE MOVIE". kiss my ass!!!! i WANT to watch the movie! but no, there's a damn adult client using the weight equipment in the rec area, so our kid needs to be supervised closely! i'm so pissy.

this all could have been avoided if we weren't short staffed today, which for some reason has become the norm at work. however, that is not the case. it seems management wants to save money and they are doing so by not replacing staff that call in sick. great for those of us that do come to work. *sigh*

August 11th, 2004

hooked up!!!

so, i got hooked up to the net at home!! finally!!! bought a nice new wireless keyboard and mouse, and am now broke! anyway, i'm hoping that with a pc at home now, i will make a worthwhile comeback to lj and will update more frequently than once ever three months! i'm eager to have an outlet and a release for frustrations, and also a place to celebrate the good things in my life as well.
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